I think I'm insecure about the opposite sex. I worry / wonder if I'll always be alone. I have dated a bit from 2013-early 2016. Some of the guys were real jerks, and just wanted sex. Last year, I decided to be done with that for good. I'm so proud of myself. I want to meet a really special man. Not just anybody. I want the whole package! I'm on OkCupid, that free dating site. It kind of messes with my self esteem, because nobody awesome messages me. I get some "hi" and "hey" and I don't answer to that. I have gotten some really rude messages too during my time there. I have gotten what seem like attractive, intelligent men messaging me, but then when they find out I don't have a job, I wonder if they think I'm not worth it, or messed up, or don't have my life together. I'm on disability, and this is awkward to explain. They end up never messaging me again. Also, a lot of the good guys that I tend to like (like my neighbor and the guy at the health food store) I find out they're married or have a gf. I really do think I feel terrible about myself when I think about men, dating. I just feel very unattractive. I wonder if it has to do with my last ex. He made me feel really bad about myself and my body. We were friends for a while, afterwards, and I finally couldn't deal with it and dumped his un-friend-like ***.

I just had a thought: maybe I won't focus on dating right now. I know I'm worth it and worthy. I'm cute, intelligent, creative, and a really good person. It just seems like no one is really interested in me. Idk. I have heard that where I live, it's like that. But at the same time, I REALLY don't get out much. Which is something I'm working on.