having problems..

i've been trying to hold this veil over the hurt
but as it works everything is affected..

try to stay happy, help everything work and keep hidden behind the veil

but the hurt beginds to smell... wounds dont heal
they grow and smell... the veil is for blinding vision

but i know not how to keep this seeping through..

it rips, parts scatter hiding for the safety and fear of being seen..

control is lost, to keep everything working and the hurt behind the scenes..

a part grows stronger, to manage becomes difficult...
break downs imminent...

not a bad person, but not want to be in this world..
just wants to drown sorrows with alcohols bubbles...
to alter this 'reality' away because reality is so very torturous and painful...

im trying to maintain... i have been good for some time..
but to lose it again im scared of the pain...

the smell seeping through, if i could just drink the days away to not be here..

dont like the suicidal part.. i just wanted to be happy, im afraid its impossible to find...


i hate being sober, i hate life..
im sorry but i just cant stand any of it...
want it to just go away and leave me alone...
but i know it cant.. thats why i like to do those things..
i just want it to go away...

i like to be happy, i like helping people, but i cant help if im dieing and being in pain.. its difficult to understand feelings, but i try really hard
im scared i cant handle it anymore either, i dont have many coping abilities...

i dont really know what to do... i dont think there is really much i can do besides hope for not a breakdown ... to survive some more time and try to hope these people will help... but i know they cant
they have "tried" for many years and still i have just get worse

i just dont want to die.. please..