I think that you and your husband really could benefit from marital counseling. It will help the two of you communicate more effectively and potentially repair the relationship. If I were you, I would make this a major priority and while I wouldn't give an ultimatum ... I would tell him I love him, that I want to work together to improve the relationship, and that a counselor can help do that.

I think you getting outside family involved exacerbates the problems you have in your marriage. I would discontinue this behavior immediately, let him know, and find a good marriage counselor.

In counseling, you may learn the marriage cannot be repaired and it may be in your best interest to obtain a divorce attorney. If one or both of you do not want to try to repair the relationship, I think you may want to think about the future of your children and yourself. Seeing a divorce attorney for a free, confidential consultation will help you learn what divorce would entail.

Best wishes, take care of yourself. Good luck.