I am off Geodon completely, and have been for a week now. Hopefully, the depressed testosterone will reverse itself and I might get more energy during the day.

Other than the one incident where I was convinced my teeth popped out at a grocery store and I was on the floor for a few seconds before realizing it wasn't real, things aren't too bad. I am only having mild paranoia and lots of voices. Gigantor, who is a visual hallucination, hasn't been around much but the voices are inside my head a lot. 'Hey' 'truth' 'look' and lots of unintelligible stuff but always seems to be a single word. They don't bother me though, which is nice I suppose. Maybe I could start having conversations with them. I go days sometimes without talking to anyone so that might be helpful.

Now I got to go fight over tapering down on my antidepressant. My pdoc is against it, but I have medical reasons for it, like I did for Geodon. I think I will taper down to 15mg for now and see whats the what. It has never helped at any dose except help me sleep. That should take at least a month, maybe longer. I missed one dose once and woke up feeling like a giant knife was plunged in my chest so I want to go really slow. Then Klonopin, I really only take 1mg a day, occasionally 1.5 so it shouldn't be too tough I hope. It helps with the restless legs that Remeron causes at my current dose, but doesn't at 15.

I actually looked in a mirror today. It is the first time I have done that in a few years really. Ugly and shockingly old. What happened? How did I completely waste my life? All I have to show for it is some voices and a long trail of failure. So does it matter I am tapering off for health reasons, what do I have? I have so much regret and am so angry that I can't see a way out but I know I probably deserve all this. We do end up with what we deserve, don't we?