Hi all, I'm a woman who suffer anxiety, some kind of phobia and recently doubt if I get depression (Forgive me if you cant read well, cause English is not my first language....)

I'm a kind of person who look happy, positive but actually is a negative person inside. I look having a lot of friends around me, occupied at many social activities. I get some friends who do care about me, but I'm a kind of person who dunt always want to talk much about my past stories, my inner feelings (actually I can't figure out the deepest feeling inside of me , what I really want now and the real me...)I get plenty ideas to cheer my self up , know the reasons why I feel sad, just dont know how I can be motivated to take action. It's just like a vicious cycle, you feel sad, you want to change,you find somebody to talk to and find ways to relieve your pain, and things seems turn better , up until now, you find you have entered so many battlefield , staying strong but no way to win at last....

Because of some family and relationship problems early this year (that's another story), I just find no longer I can cope with this situation. Then I find psychologist to talk to, having some short trip and read books, find many things to help myself to ease the burden I bear for many years, to find the solutions to realize what I'm suffering. Things seems turns better and I thought I was on the way on recovery, to know how to take good care of myself, start to ease the burden that I had since childhood finally.These was what I thought. I word hard to fight for my life. But recently, some family issue outburst (some deeprooted family problem)and I feel like I no longer stay strong for myself. Everyday I dont; want to work,but I can't cause I cannot lose my job. I nearly find nobody I can trust. I just want to sleep all day, felling headache and heart ache. I want to forget someone , trying to learn not to care about what the others thoughts on me. I feel terribly sad but don;t know what I can do more. Totally trapped and to be frank, feeling to end my life. The reason why I;m still alive is I am such a coward ,fear the pain of death, fear if I suffer more afterlife. I really don't know what to do , just would like to end the pain. What can I do?

Thanks for your time if you're still here with me. I know my words are not organized, so hard to read...thanks.