Good luck with changing your medication. Be kind to yourself if you find you still need to take something in the end. Obviously, some of the things you could be experiencing could just be withdrawal. Or perhaps you really need something. If your pdoc is not working with you, are you able to change him/her? It is good that you are trying to get off it if it's bad for your health. It sounds very challenging.
We all get old. We have to be kind to ourselves about it. It can be hard to accept but it can't be stopped. Other than exercising, eating healthy and seeing a doctor, it's sort of useless to fight against it. Though I really hate to see myself in photographs! Oh well! It is what it is.
I don't know how "at fault" you are but there is an awful lot about our lives that we just can't control. Failure is relative. Things did not turn out as I had hoped either. It seems like you are trying to exercise some control over things that you can control. You ask, What do I have? I am sorry about your despair! Are you alone? I hope you feel better soon. Sincerely, Myst