"Blaming self and taking responsibility/being accountable are two separate matters entirely. There IS NO "balance between" them. Validation and legitimization is the royal golden road that leads to that capacity and blaming self (or internalizing the blame others have tried to put on us) is the hindrance to receiving validation and legitimization."

Hi folks,

We are doing some really good psychology here, and I for one can see an outcome.

It is this confusion between blaming and taking responsibility that is what I have been trying to understand. In the film example, Brando was not blaming Steiger, but he was asking him to take responsibility for certain actions.

Brando had the fortunate opportunity to set the record straight in real time. I believe that many of us do not get the opportunity to do this and we internalise our emotional pain over very long periods.

With my counsellor's help I have come to understand that blaming others or myself for current emotional pain is fruitless. Now, this is the big one.

I am not responsible for what was done to me as a child. That notion is ridiculous. But, I can take some responsibility for the way I deal with the pain I suffer today. I have to acknowledge that I have indeed been hurt and messed up, and from this acknowledgement I need to move on.

I take responsibility for my own life, for my own actions, and I do not take responsibility for the actions of my father. Those actions were not of my doing, and not preventable by me. The responsibilty for those actions lies with that person.

This is the crucial distinction for me, and I think for anyone who is allowing another's cruelty to live on inside them. It's not easy, but we have to disengage ourselves from the patterns of manipulation that have been set up by another person.

We do take responsibility, we take responsibility for our own lives, here in the present, right here and now. We do not take reponsibility for anothers' cruelty. For me, that is the distinction that has to be made.

I feel better after that!

Cheers, Myzen

PS - Thanks Rapunzel and Malady; You both make good points and have definitely helped me to clarify this issue.