There but for the grace of god, go I.

Well, Im heading back. Under the guise of going home for Halloween, but things have taken a turn for the worse with my mother and I really haven't decided what I am going to do and if I am going to come back to Cape Breton after a few weeks.

Found out some things...not much different from what I thought. Mom has had neurological damage(brain trauma) from the 8 times she had menengitis when she was young.There had been a hole in the inner ear that led to the lining of her brain, that wasn't found until she was 28. This led to neurological damage.

She's threatening suicide left right and center... which I am told she has been doing every couple of weeks to everyone in the family. She's also been hitting herself in the head, lashing out at everyone, angry all the time. She has literally no control over her anger. The doctor put her on an antidepressant because of all of this, and she got angry at him, stating it was not her fault and if everyone around her wasn't so frustrating she wouldn't have to get angry.

It's not like everyone around her is really that bad. For example. I used butter on my toast the other morning, and this prompted her into screaming about her financial situation and how she couldn't afford to waste money on more butter, so I shouldn't use it.

She uses profanity around everyone, even while we are out at social engagements. Most times we are downtown she ends up storming home walking because some poor clerk took too long or didnt serve her to her satisfaction. I am beginning to realize things are never going to change, and as much as I may feel guilty for leaving her, I can't protect her from herself and she refuses to see anyone for help, saying there is nothing wrong with her and everyone else is stupid, mean to her, wishes her harm, ect.

I've had long talks with my other relatives and they all agree that I shouldn't really be around her, and that I shouldn't feel guilty if she ever follows through with her threat. To date she has only done that once, the last visit. She jumped out of a moving vehicle because she was angry, and grabbed a large rock and proceeded to split her own head open with it. It required stitches. While at the hospital i spoke with the doctor and he refused to admit her, though she was obviously unstable.

My aunt and I discussed having her admitted involuntarily, but I seriously think that should it ever come to that she would become violent and have to be tranquilized. Perhaps that would be better, I don't know.

Its a long, awful, situation and I need a break, so back to halifax it is for me for a little while. Things will be tough money wise but I can make it.

Sorry I havent uploaded the pics yet but the only access I have so far is VERY slow dialup...26.6 kbs and I cannot seem to get them to upload.

Pregnancy is going fine, I am starting to get big, but not hard yet. All bloodwork came in fine though and the doc said not to worry about not being able to feel much yet until Im five months.

Well, Have to go. Hope everyone is well.

Much love
Mandie