Thanks for your kind words. I am not sure I am still having withdrawals but maybe I still am. I was going to start my remeron taper today but I might wait a week or two to make sure I am clear of any Geodon withdrawals.

I do eat a lot better and exercise more. I have lost 50 pounds in the past year, I still need about 10 more and it is much harder to lose that 10 than the 50.

Being kind to myself is something I am not very good at. If I told other people even half of what I tell myself daily, I would get hit every day. I can't find any kindness for myself.

I don't actually think it was something I actively caused. For as long as I can remember, I always felt inferior but I never allowed it to stop me. I was very successful in the military, getting 4 promotions in my first 30 months. I never had any MH issues other than low self-esteem before I had my seizure, everything bad mentally and most of my physical issues can be traced to that day.

Thank goodness it happened when I was on active duty! That is the one thing that went right, even though nothing was right about getting seizures, headaches and MH issues. It ended my career but at least the VA has supported me medically, financially and educationally. I even fought through my issues and got a BS and MS but I haven't made use of it via a well paying job since I predictably crashed just months after finishing my MS.

There is just something profoundly wrong with me, from birth, that keeps me from having any sustained success or happiness. I can name lots of things going back to junior high and earlier that show this pattern. It must be because I deserve it.

I have two grown daughters and three grand kids and that is almost always enough to keep me upright but lately even that is hard to justify. What kind of role model could I possibly be?