Quote:
Originally Posted by lucidity11
I realize that I am afraid of bring into my conscious mind the memories of abuse I suffered when I was little. Part of me knows that the memories can't kill me but I am afraid of the fear. The feeling of the emotion fear, that came from the abuse. I don't know how to trust that the feeling of fear won't kill me. I feel like I will be consumed by it. But I also feel that I need to remember the abuse so I can place it in the past where it happened. The minute I start to think of remembering abuse I feel a shock of fear in the middle of my chest and every thing shuts down. I don't know how to protect myself from my emotion of fear. Intellectually I understand that the actual feeling of fear may not be as bad as what I think it will be. But my body shuts down and the discussion is over. Ive known from a young age that fear is what I need to overcome in order to free my mind. I just don't know where to start.
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Luc11. I hope it's ok that I call you that.
I completely understand your fear of the fear. I also understand the feeling that the fear would be more than you can handle or process. I feel the same way.
My fear is fear of the anger on the other side of the fear. Does that makes sense? My memories of the bad times shut off, and the only thing I know is that I so desperately want to diffuse the anger on the other side of the fear. I'm frozen there in so many points of impact.
I'm learning, I hope, that anger (righteous anger) is ok and should be there. The things that happened, should not have happened and it's ok for me and you to be mad and angry about it.
I've codependenced myself into a marriage, 29 years, that has been a reflection of me still trying to diffuse the anger that I'm afraid of. That came out its own. Not sure what else to say, except I truly understand.