*There's likely nothing wrong with me and this post is pure narcissism but maybe the solidarity will help*

I've wondered if I've experienced bouts of a form of "secular" scrupulosity - losing sleep or being driven to recurrent anxiety over moral issues, conflicts between "I want" and "I ought." My worldview devolving to black and white, good and bad - I've been in a state of that lately and fervently exploring old-time faiths to find some kind of salvation, something that will help...

It looks really bad that this came to a peak around the same time I started exploring all kinds of weird spiritual stuff to fill an internal void, both the moral obsession and spiritual interests weaving around each other. I feel like they're mostly coinciding but after Billions' post, now I get to worry that I'm innately broken in yet another way (granted, modern out-there stuff fills the void, whereas I'm bridging the secular and orthodox worlds regarding morality...see below).

In fact, for the last couple weeks I've had a very loud, very persistent internal voice (my own, I don't hallucinate) telling me, outright, that I'm a bad person; that I'm evil despicable, the worst person on earth. My triggers range from stupid to crazy, and I can't explain rationally why I'm so awful, I just know. Every time I do something I know isn't ideal, that thought replays: "I'm awful. I'm the worst. I failed, again. I'm a failure and there's nothing I can do."

Not sure if that's relatable at all, to anyone, but there you go.