It's interesting how I feel the opposite that you do about gender. Other people view me as a girl and I'm the one who's always been confused. That could be because the misogyny I witnessed growing up sort of drilled in the point that women are equivalent to animals. So for me to ever admit I'm a woman, I would be in effect saying that I'm an animal or maybe even subhuman. My parents also had just lost a son before I was born. I'm pretty sure it was the boy they wanted. I tried to be a son. I don't know if I succeeded, but I tried.

And I suppose I am trying to be an all-star. What do I have for self-worth other than intelligence and competency? Other than still being better than at least some men despite my apparent subhuman status.

I think I struggle with feeling sympathy or empathy because my needs weren't met and I just don't have the capacity to care about everyone else. I do have the capacity to care about the special needs children and adults that I work with at my part-time/summer jobs. I'm not sure why. Maybe because they really need it? Or when they care about me they are clearly genuine? I didn't think I had the ability to bond until I met my boyfriend. But then he actually me emotional needs and genuinely cares about me which I guess makes it easier to care about him.

And then I fear that I'm terrible to work with. I get my job done, usually better and more thorough than most. But I also have a fragile ego and have difficulty with criticism. Or at least if what I've done positively isn't pointed out as well. I've gotten better at not reacting, but more empathetic/observant people can still read the anger even if I'm just sitting there nodding and saying "ok".

I feel like overall my anger hasn't really begun to go away, I just control it better. I'm apparently very scary when I'm angry. Or so I've heard. It really didn't help that I had to threaten people just to get them to listen to me when I was younger.