I don't understand how I feel anymore since starting Paxil treatment 9 weeks ago. Weeks 1-6 I was a rollercoaster, constantly up and down. Weeks 7-8 I was feeling pretty amazing, I had been working the past month about 80 hours a week and generally that burns me out pretty hardcore but when I slipped into my awesome mood I got so much done and didn't even care that I was wasting away in front of my computer screen coding. Currently my mood is pretty good but my constant passive suicidal ideation has come back with a vengeance and just hangs out like a bad smell.

I am at zero risk of self-harm, I don't want to die or anything like that. I'm a very rational person and I am fully aware that these negative thoughts are not my own actual wants or desires. The thing is though, at 9 weeks I was expecting this part of my problem to go away. I am disheartened that it remains, the only issue that seems to have resolved with Paxil is my anxiety. I am also experiencing a much higher level of irritability though no one else has noticed this since I am an expert at controlling any possible outbursts. I don't like feeling irritable though, every time someone tries to talk to me I just feel like they take too long to get to the point and that they are wasting my time. I never used to feel this way.

I also randomly get the urge to punch or destroy things, I haven't yet but I have been much more impulsive than normal (e.g. I spent over $1000 this past week on trading cards I didn't need when I should be saving up money to move since my lease is up at the end of November) and I constantly
wonder if I will eventually make the mistake of breaking objects in my home for no reason. I am also self conscious of the anisocoria that the paxil has caused, I worry that people will think I am taking drugs recreationally but I have no problem correcting them if they ever bring it to my attention it just would be a pain for people to assume that about me and then for me to have to correct that assumption.

I don't really know the point of all this, I guess I just want to know if this is all normal 9 weeks in on Paxil? I've been med-compliant the entire time and I have also been seeing a therapist bi-weekly since May. This is my first experience ever on an antidepressant so I have no other personal experience to relate to. Does my situation sound like I would benefit from a discussion with my doctor for either a dosage increase or a medication switch? Or, should I stick it out another month to see if I can balance out? I had to put up with so much this past 9 weeks that I don't want to give up on Paxil right before it potentially starts working so any insights or personal experiences that anyone can share with me would be exceptionally beneficial.

Edit: I forgot to mention that I have had insomnia for a very long time and it has worsened with Paxil. I have horrible grinding at night when I do eventually fall asleep, and I also have an extremely hard time waking up in the morning presumably from the increased insomnia. Seriously though, every morning I have my alarm going off next to my head really loud and I sleep through it for an hour. Thankfully it has not made me late yet, but my mornings are a lot more stressful as I keep losing the necessary time to gradually prepare myself for the work day.