Twice. Once was when I was fifteen. I had been planning for two months. I had everything worked out. I wrote goodbye letters and posted them in my online journal that morning. When it came down to it, though, I lost my nerve. I decided not to participate in gym class and then go hide in the stairwell during lunch. But my friend knew something was wrong. I ended up spilling the beans and being taken to the ER by ambulance. I ended up hospitalized for four months because I kept telling them when they let me out I was going to do it again and do it right.

The second time was when I was 19. I was In a mixed episode. I started to feel guilty about my mom finding my body, though, so I ended up telling her. She drove me to the ER. Not calmly. At that point I knew I was going to the state hospital. Thankfully I decided to give ECT a try and it changed my life completely.

I've never attempted again. I always go to the hospital when I feel like I can't control myself because I don't want to die for my son. especially now that his father is gone. I will never make another attempt again.