Background: I'm a 21 year old female, been in a relationship with my 21 year old fiance for 5 years, engaged for 2 and we have 2 small children together. We're both eahc other's first relationship ever, so we don't have much experience with other people. We live in a small, over-crowded town home with my father, brother, and a roommate, due to financial struggles from all three sides and I suffer from depression, suicidal tendancies, general anxiety disorder and abandonment issues.

Forewarning: This is going to be long, if you want to help please read it all because all of it is relevant.


Problem: My fiance has been emotionally abusive for the last 4 years of our relationship. Though he had promised to change a million times before and didn't, he's now following through and has become a better person but I don't know if I'm still in love with him anymore.

Over the last few years our fighting has involved gas-lighting, breaking of furniture, doors, walls, threatening to leave every time a problem was brought up and then following through with those threats as the fighting got worse. I've been left during both my pregnancies multiple times and 6 weeks after our youngest was born he left for 2 months and refused to see our children, over suspected cheating even though I never did. We got back together after he found out I had slept with someone else (tbh it doesn't make much sense) under the conditions I cut out that guy forever. If I didn't he threatened never to be involved in our lives again and I got scared.

Things were good for a few months before the fighting started again, though we stopped the on/off which was an improvement i held onto. Then in December I had an unwanted abortion (before judgment, I'd like to mention that I've discovered BC pills are simply not effective for me so no it wasn't like I'm just an idiot having unprotected sex over and over, okay. I ****ing tried) and became extremely depressed in mourning. I became suicidal and because of all the past in my head I pushed my fiance away and refused to let him comfort me. So we fought even more.

In April it crossed a line. He became violent towards me, throwing a drink at me, and pushing me into boxes/bookcase over his laptop. I threw away and forever lost my engagement ring, and I was left covered in bruises to clean up the mess from the walls. I asked my parents to watch my children and went out as I didn't feel like I was in the right state of mind to care for them, and visited the guy I was forced to cut out.

My fiance found out we were dating for a couple days and freaked out. He threated to kill him, directly, through instagram PM, and came to my house to trash my room. My dad let him. I came home to him waiting for me on the curb, and seen what he had done. My BC Pills had been cut up and smashed to peices leading me to require emergency contraption immediately and having to convince my pharmacist to give me another pack early (which he did because btw it was my birthday week through all of this time) and he had cut up my photographs, ripped my birthday and valentines day cards, and wrote on my wall "you belong together".

So I died. Emotionally I did. I changed at that moment and since that day I've never felt the same ever again. My fiance still lives here, I needed a babysitter while I was at work and I've eneded up working so much that there was no point in him going home just to sleep to only come back. His mother wants us to go on a trip to Malaysia and I've agreed as he himself is too afraid to face her and tell her we broke up, and over the course of the last few months pretending ot still be in a relationship in front of our friends and family made me slowly lose my anger and now i feel like im stuck playing house. I feel like he's been good the last few months and i have no reason anymore ot be angry. I feel like he's tried to change and seemily succeeded so what can I say now. I dont have the heart to do anything. I dont have the energy to fight. I need him around for the babysitting.. I have no support.

So I dont know what to do. I love him sure, I care sure, I'm attatched sure, but I'm not really happy, though also I'm terrified of being alone. I dont know how to do everything, all of it, on my own. So it seems like he's just waiting for me to forgive him and so am I but will that ever happen? Is it even possible to still be and love and have a healthy relationship when everything has been so wrong..?