Hello Fightharder: The short answer here, from the Skeezyks' perspective, is that you need to talk all of this through at length, presumably with a mental health therapist. I don't know if you're currently seeing a therapist or not. If you're not, you probably should be. If you are, either additional time is going to be needed to work through all of this, or you're not seeing the right therapist for you.

There's no easy answer to any of this that I'm aware of. It's simply going to take a lot of hard therapeutic work, over a period of time, to get to the point where you can recover. And the reality of the situation may well be that you simply cannot go back to being the person you used to be. However, you can, hopefully become a new person who is kind-of a combination of who you were & who you are now. This new person may never be who you used to be. But she can, at least in some ways perhaps, be better... wiser & more mature. I wish you well...