I want to stop going into these headspaces where I cannot hear or see anything but rejection, anger, cruelty, walking away etc. I don't even know what is and isn't real so how on earth can I figure out what action to take? Usually I end up hurting myself or attacking the other person or...well at least spinning and acting 'irrationally' in a normally wouldn't. But to sit with this, which is what I am doing now, is impossible because I'm so angry and upset and it feels as though if I don't do something now then I'm back to where I used to be, silent, numb, redundant. At least when I'm fighting out at myself or being irrational outwards I'm communicating. I need to communicate, it's like ever since the depression got lifted a few years ago all this stuff erupts all the time and really stops my life.

It stops my life because I'm consumed by it, even if I don't act on it. I can't and often won't do something to get in another headspace because they (bits of me) get angry because that's what always happened "go away and shut up" and it's like they've been given a voice and they won't stop using it which is fine becsuse we can't go back to the silence, I know that even, but it is like I'm seeing through muddy water. It makes it hard to go on with my life when all I want to do is reconnect with someone I feel I've been disconnected from. But I cant keep forcing myself on people in order to clear the water but I can't sit in this muddy water either because everything becomes emphasised like zooming atoms all around me (bad metaphors there, muddy and unclear and yet too clear and loud - but that's how it feels). But I cant tell them (bits of me) to go away because it makes the pain worse because that's what we've always done and that's effectively what we feel the other person has done to us. But then I want them (bits of me) to go, or at least to be back to that other headspace where things were level and there was space and it felt a lot better.

I genuinely hope someone can understand this. I don't see myself as dissociated but I am definitely fragmented because I can't see clearly sometimes. It's harder now as I know I'm not seeing clearly, at least before it was the truth although then it hurt because it felt the world was bad. Now I know it feels very bad but it may not be the truth although it feels like reality.

I really want help with this. I don't think therapy helps me to manage this, we just upset them all by opening up the doors and I manage by keeping them shut as much as possible. My head really really really hurts. I have a huge headache, and I feel ill and I feel consumed, and frantic and anxious and stressed....and I feel I want to sit with all this and not reach out. I'm so tired of being the one that reaches out to try and fix it all, but this hurts me staying silent because it is my past. But I shouldn't expect people to need to reach out to me immediately because they either don't care as much as I do or they can hold their feelings..or they're robots! Ha. I find it hard to imagine how someone can not react but I'm trying to do that too. Maybe they have a horrific headache too? This is so hard.