This is my journal entry for today (September 16, 2016). Feedback appreciated.

So yesterday I found out that my friend got engaged. I should have been excited but all I can think about now is that she is going to want me to be a bridesmaid. This makes me extremely anxious I don't want to dress up and stand in front of everyone to be stared at. I keep thinking how I can let her down that I can't be a bridesmaid. The anxiety of the whole situation is daunting

I feel like I am never going to lose this weight. I am 19 pounds down and I feel more stuck than ever. My health is SO important to me but I can't think straight. Sorry I trailed My self-esteem is still earth-shattering low. It shows on my mood tracker. And I still have my glorious fat flap and probably will for approximately 30 more pounds of weight loss.

I also HATE that I have to take medicine. They permanently alter my body (triglycerides is an example). I have no control over what goes in my body medicine wise

I am getting a tattoo on the 28th of this month which is 1 week and 5 days away. It will be a phoenix which has a profound meaning behind it. But have I really risen from the ashes? Doubt it I'm still swimming in the ashes. I'm drowning and I feel like I am the only one that can see that

There is something not right about my mood. I can't put a nail on it. I'm not depressed. I'm not happy. I'm not even sure I can say I am okay. I feel lost. Confused.

I am a burden to my family. That's apparent with dad's job loss and how difficult insurance is for myself. I hate that I won't be able to live my life without an immense expense of doctors, therapists, and medicine. I’m a burden. End of story.

I struggle to keep the act up that everything is fine… my head isn’t splintering into a thousand pieces leaving my being with nothing else. My depression scores may be at an all time low because of Remeron but my give a **** meter about myself is pretty low I want to be able to open up and tell everyone how I am feeling, especially my boyfriend but I can’t formulate thoughts into words that are spoken. I’m stuck.

I get lost in music's’ lyrics. That is where I live. I wish people would listen to the songs and words I listen to and just get it.

“But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here. I wanna have control. I wanna have a perfect body. I wanna have a perfect soul. I want you to notice [my mind]. I wish I was special. But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.”

I want to get over my past. I’m so logged down with stupid **** that happened in middle school (I am 26 now). Not becoming a lieutenant on drill team. I still look at the girls in my grade that beat me out and hate them for it. It meant so much to me and they got it. That might be the only thing actually. But it’s major to me.

And, I can’t believe I am saying this but when I masturbate I look at people that are prettier and I compare myself to them I’m sick. Something is seriously wrong with me