((((BipolarMama31))))

I'm so sorry you have so much on your plate - what a frustrating and scary time for you! I understand the impulse to say 'screw it all' when it just feels like too much - I think most of us here get that all too well.

Whatever you decide to do ultimately tonight, be kind and careful with yourself. It does sound like you need a way to release all this stress - I'm not sure what normally works best for you (and what is a safe option for the long term), but I hope you can find something that helps you to cope with the not-knowing, the negative self imaging, and the med change.

Any way you could get a night away on your own? Would that be helpful? I did that once when I was in a pretty harsh postpartum depression and wasn't able to get any sleep at home. I went to a hotel for a night and let my responsibilities go, just briefly. Can you do something like that? Crash at a friend's house? Get a sitter for 4 hours?

Good luck, mama. Take care of you.