This sort of became a rant, but I'm just so angry and I haven't been able to get past my anger and since I can't seem to shut up about it in real life I think my ranting may be getting to the one person I can count on to be an ally...so maybe ranting on here will help...

I wasn't going to talk about this, but there's been a series of events recently (my whole life really, but lately what's been happening has really been the straw that broke the camel's back, so to say)

I'll just start with what happened recently:

I was on the job (I work part time/seasonal for the city while I'm a student) and following all the safety procedures but due to the idiocy/incompetency/whatever of someone in the public, I AND two people I'm responsible for are in an accident. And here's the kicker: if I had NOT been following safety protocols, there wouldn't have been an accident! It's like I'm being punished for doing the right thing. I know that happens all the time, but you usually don't get injured doing that. Had we been really unlucky, we might have even gotten killed. At least the city changed THEIR policies so I can follow safety protocols without risking injury (as much).

And then it's just the awful treatment I've received at my university. They make sure doctoral students who aren't TA's don't get 24 access to facilities (which is standard at other schools), don't get access to special libraries that some of us NEED FOR OUR STUDY/RESEARCH. These are materials we're going to be hard-pressed to find elsewhere. Not to mention, that you can just about only get a TA your first year and after that, it doesn't matter what you do. If you have one, you keep it for 3 years no matter what (unless you defer) and if you don't get one, it doesn't matter what you do (I've presented at several peer-reviewed conferences, for example) you won't get one unless someone who's already "earned" one defers. So my family is paying full tuition for me not to get access to facilities/libraries/etc.

Not only that, but we're treated like undergrads! The way some of the classes are set up, I've ended up being taught by my peers. It would be fine if they treated me like a peer, but some of them don't. Why should they? The school doesn't treat us a peers!

The straw that broke the camel's back however, was a professor playing favorites who picked a sophomore over me for something (I'm not sure if I want to go into detail or not) when I was clearly more qualified. I'm not saying that because I'm much older/have more experience/have three more degrees than him, but because I legitimately proved in front of witnesses that I was more qualified. In fact there were three of us more qualified than him. I put in a lot of work to become more qualified in an area that isn't particularly a specialty of mine.

And the kicker is the professor had already chosen everyone before the beginning of the year so I was just wasting my time in a way!

I'm just so sick of being treated like I'm worth nothing! No wonder I struggle so much with low self-esteem. So what am I supposed to do? Just go, "Life, you're right, just because I earned something with hard work doesn't mean I actually deserve it! I don't deserve it because I'm too much of a loser and too unpopular to deserve anything! How dare I try to take anything away from the golden children! Didn't I know they were born to the right people? Didn't I know they were born the right sex?! (Sexism is unfortunately still rampant in my field...)"

And the whole "wrong sex" thing...that's another thing that plagues me constantly. Like having the "wrong" personality for my given sex. I've probably had some sort of gender dysphoria my whole life, but I'm also not transgender, so it never really gets resolved.

It's all just the tip of the iceberg, but I'm too tired to continue.