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I'm letting myself be hurt by my T...

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Yes it's good insight that you are the one doing it

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I feel horrible......

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more ... sometimes we just have to feel that way. It's a kind of connection itself; thinking of her keeps you connected to her. You don't sound and you are not dumb; you're longing for T and that's okay. You will be relieved eventually when she responds or when you see her next. There isn't anything for you to do; that can be relieving too--knowing that there isn't anything for you to do! You are feeling what you feel and you don't have to 'do' anything about it at all.

I think the part about not apologizing after is that she wants you to give her time to read what you wrote in the first place and to respond to that. Until she responds you don't have anything to apologize for; she says it's okay to email. Apologies aren't negative; they're useful when needed.

I hope you feel better soon. Can you journal in the meantime?