RoseofSharon, I don't know exactly how to answer, but I do think about how my romantic relationships replicate my relationships with parents, just since therapists say we all do that. I'm not really sure with the current one, which is kind of new (a year).

It sounds like you're really aware of how doing it is causing difficulty for you, so I hope you're able to work it out with your wife. It seems like if you're aware of it, that should solve the problem... I hope it does for you.