Quote:
Originally Posted by Luce
Our initial hosty person was quite emotionally bereft. The only thing she really felt was an oppressive depression. All other emotions were handled by different alters.
All I can say about reconnecting with your alters is that 'it won't be forever'.
If ex T has cut you off I wonder if the insiders are keeping their feelings from you as a protection? (because you no longer have that external support)
|
Yes definitely. Actually after writing and thinking about this stuff, I got back in touch with a very important insider who was at the center of the issues with ex T. He had a trauma related transference for her, and I was very conflicted between different feelings from the past vs present.
And you're right. It's because I no longer have that support that he has to stay asleep for now. So lacking that outlet the inner anger is overwhelming and I don't know what to do with it and I have to push it away again.
What's painful is that it keeps coming up and I keep getting this approach/avoidance anxiety. I think about contacting ex T and saying what I feel, thinking if I explained it differently she would understand this time, but then I remember how bad it hurt me last time and I throw out the idea. All I know is if this cycle keeps going on it's going to destroy me. I either need to find a different support figure or recontact ex T and I think the former would be safer but then it's hard to do because as the host I'm just getting by with coping with this emptiness. I forget how bad I need connection.
Man, mistakes in T can really do a lot of unnecessary harm.
I wish I could turn back time and fix things.