Hi not.dead.yet,
I'm sorry you are in this situation and experiencing these feelings, but I'm also happy for you that you haven't given up. I'm 40 and could say almost the exact same thing about my life that you've written. I only bring up my story because I think "wow, not.dead.yet you still have so much more time to turn things around ." And this makes me happy for you. That you are self aware and working on your life . Now, I acknowledge that this doesn't make it any easier or scary or sad or frustrating for you. I am glad you have this place to work out or just let out the thoughts you are having.
Take care,
Jayne