Quote:
Originally Posted by Luce
What you are describing sounds like it fits with a dissociative type experience to me. If I am understanding you right, it sounds like when you encounter a trigger that connects with something from your past you then find yourself in a completely different emotional space that connects only to a whole lot of negative experience, emotion and memory.
Is that what you are describing? Like there is a 'normal' you who can be clear headed and functional in the world, but when something triggers you you experience yourself distinctly differently. Like you find yourself in a very dark/angry/hurting/hopeless/pain-filled place?
And from what you wrote it sounds like when you connect more to those parts of yourself they don't *want* you to get clear-headed again because that means they will be forgotten and pushed aside? But you need to get back to being clear headed so you can function?
|
That is it exactly! You said it a thousand time better than I ever could!
It's hard because my life has gotten a lot more busy I'm the last few years. Before I would be able to compensate for the days sat doing nothing, battling some inner crap but now it is harder to balance. My life can't just be work and no personal life but trying to have friends means I need to spend a weekend being around, but then often I'll have to work to catch up. I'm wasting my life and I hate it.
But I cant seem to become clear headed easily. It's a battle trying to compromise. Often it has been easier to spend a few hours indulging in the self destruction so I can get up and go back to work, even though that doesn't really help to get me get back to me fully...but at least I can't see slightly and I'm detached but not too painful being outside of the four walls of my house. I'm sick of acting stupidly, as though there is an immediate action required to fix it all. It's all about fixing, making sure there is reconnection even if that's idiotically through continuing to be angry. I know being angry at someone doesn't make them feel conducive to help and yet that's what I do. And when I stop myself, make myself use kind words, it just means I have to take a bigger beating. The compromise I get is - don't humiliate me, take it out on me if you have to tell and say something...but then that this my day/life.
Do you have any tips or advice for me? I just want to keep a balance so I can have my life. I'm tired of not being able to do what I want in life due to these events! I'm glad you understood because maybe you can help me find a way out? I just want to re-find me. They can be there but I'd rather they didn't dictate and take over. I'm tired from trying to manage it all. It is exhausting trying to stop their actions. it is emotionally tiring but also physically, I get back headaches and have to then spend a next day in my headspace but feeling as though I've done ten boxing rounds or had a hugely emotional conversation..that's another day gone then trying to get back on track.
I will do anything to help myself. My therapist says self soothing stuff but I try to listen but I can't hear her when I'm out of it. Trying to implement self soothing just makes them hear "shut up and go away" which is what I want but they reject it fully. She doesn't understand this and it's really hard...I'm not sure the answer is always to wrap them up but obviously action isn't the way either.
