Thank you, both.
I am certainly becoming more secretive, needing so much more space, as I get older.
My wife wants to make it work, wants us to stay together, but there is only so much anyone can take.
Being aware is helping, knowing where my strong reactions come from. However I can only talk to her if she is in a place herself where she she can listen without jumping in with her own stuff, or going on the defensive because of her own baggage.
As my therapist said, there is clearly a lot of transference in both directions.
Thanks again.