Quote:
Originally Posted by Luce
Abby, just a quick response for now: I just read over this ANP and EP and saw some similarities in the descriptions with what you said above. What do you think?
And again, quickly... I think, unfortunately, the only way through it is through it. It takes time, and it is a painful, rocky road. But I reckon on the other side of it you reach a point where that constant fight for 'self' control no longer plays itself out.
But to get there, the trauma that is held by the 'others' needs to be acknowledged and embraced. Once that happens there is nothing to fight anymore. |
Yes I've heard of that before. A therapist who left me with this in a report said that I could have this, also traits of BPD but also severe dissociative symptoms...which could be part of the personality issues or DDNOS but she couldn't say for sure as she'd not done the 'test' for it but based on what she saw. Honestly I've so confused by the whole thing, BPD traits which could come from a trauma, which is likely the complex trauma, which has dissociative traits which could be held within a personality diagnosis (which I don't have just traits?) but could also be another label of non-specified dissociation outside it? I gave up trying to understand it at that point, because it felt as though she was just throwing out ideas at random and there was no coherency.
I liked the ANP and EPs theory as it made sense to how I describe it to myself. But I was confused to the difference between apparently competent vs apparently normal - I was told they're related and I have it...but they're related not the same thing?!
I think I am competent and normal, I don't think I'm just "apparently so" but I think of it as having either some of bits that jump in and swamp my innate abilities or simply huge deficits. It's hard to know which.
But then another therapist said...oh gosh what's it called...
Oh ego states. But I didn't know what that was either and if it meant not dissociation or not. My therapist now will talk about the bits of me, but I feel she doesn't get that I'm swamped. I wonder if my "apparent competence" means peoole just think I'm being non-compliant or rude or something. But I'm trying hard underneath to hear and act as I would generally, and often failing.
How do I embrace it and acknowledge it? I have no trauma really, nothing as a memory. They say some stuff but I'm open to it being the catalyst but I've no interest feeling about it really. I want to move on. How can I even manage better on a day to day, week to week basis? How do you keep at work, have a family and friends etc? I want all those things. Thank you!