In the past few days, i've been reflecting more and suddenly i see what i've been doing that helped trigger sissy's cruelty and inconsistent mood swings and our level of closeness over the years.

After I moved out when i was 19, i endured her constant trying to hurt me and do awful things throughout my life. with this struggle between us for 30 years, i tended to treat her like an afterthought, so my attempts all those years of trying to be close to her and fight through her drug addiction and cruelty came off as insincere and just superficial in a way. i'm sorry this happened and i just saw this about myself now, but he never willl communicate things to people and sets everyone up to disappoint her. and i who am her big sister who was alwasys there moved out and after that she was reacting to how i was being. and i thought she was just a hateful, horrible person with no hope. she still is, even if i know her heart. i don't and expect her to ever try and start healing and see her own way to therapy so we might break mom and dad's legacy of our childhool rearing. i'm strong thinking about sending her a final note/letter on her birthday Tuesday to tell her this and hope shse at least tries to let go of the hold that is bitter stubborness to hate and never forgive. i'm going to acknowledge her pain and that i know i played a major part in why she is who she is to me, etc. i won't take responsibility for her feelings or her actions, like i won't let her do so with mine.

any thoughts?