i dont make much sense sometimes, i mean well but i guess i dont know how to put things into words alot of times

i've never really had any psychosis... one time i was awake for 4 days or so on speed and i think thats the closest i ever experienced to having psychotic like stuff... wasn't hallucinating but i was so tired and wanted to sleep but having a panic state and panic attacks while trying to fall asleep because i thought i was gonna die if i fell asleep...
very scary feeling ...

but maybe i do have psychosis and it just confuses me and not able to understand or come to terms with it..?
i dont hallucinate though or really have any delusions or paranoia outside of the normal phobic type..

but my reality is really twisted, stuck in a dream... atleast it doesn't seem real and everything is a bad scripted movie while i get front row seats to watch from the perspective of a confused boy of a scary world

i never used speed or other drugs very much btw it was just a thing that happened... haven't touched it since...

but i don't much like trying to explain anymore because its just my reality and my reality is not normal... that much i have learned.. i also suck at trying to put things into words for the most part

and my entire life i have been told im normal, what i feel and think and see is normal, im just normal and nothing is wrong, this is how it is for everyone, and all of that.. so have to discover the truth, come to terms with it, and try to make it work

i just get a bit frustrated from it because i feel like i know its not psychosis but at the same time i cant say that its not and its just annoying because i feel like no one can understand... the therapist keeps telling me "you're not alone, i have alot of other clients with the same symptoms" and it makes me feel a little better but i just feel like maybe she's just saying that

the antipsychotics and meds they had me on before didnt help at all either though so i was just thinking if it was psychosis it would of cleared up grr

its just very confusing when you have no time! constantly finding yourself here and there and just like what the hell am i doing? where am i going? i guess you get used to it and then when you start discovering things you start to see how out of place you are and its like woah... many mixed feelings about the lies and manipulation inside of myself

i wish i could figure it all out ... just have to work on things carefully so we dont make it worse i guess
love yas