"Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money, or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you

One more day, one more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again, I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you..."

(~Diamond Rio~)

Ever since Jon was killed in the car accident (Sept. 17 of this year), I just keep wishing I could have one more hug. Just one more smile. Just to hear his voice one more time. It breaks my heart in half. I cry and cry. Sometimes I think I can feel his arms around me, and a memory of him will flood my mind and heart, and I just break down.

I see us standing in his parent's driveway, just hanging on to eachother for the longest hug ever. Neither one of us ever seemed to want to let go. I could have just stayed in his arms for hours. I relive those moments over and over again, and I think, why couldn't I just hang on to him forever? I can't believe he is gone. I can't believe I cannot ever feel his arms around me again for real. I can't believe I can't look at his beautiful blue eyes again. It hurts.

It is so unfair that I had to lose both Vern and Jon within 10 days of eachother. Each loss on its own feels like more than I can take.

I am trying so hard to quit cutting, but it feels so impossible to do. Today, I wanted to cut up my chest. I wished that I could cut the pain right out of my heart. Oh, it hurts so much.

I still cannot believe Jon is dead. My heart bleeds and bleeds.