I was diagnosed bipolar nine years ago, at the age of fourteen. After trying a few different medications, I was last given lithium. My psychiatrist spends a lot of time out of the country and after he went away once when I was fifteen I stopped the medication and stopped follow up appointments. I believed, at the time, that medication was wrong and that I could conquer this with mind over matter. At sixteen I started drinking regularly, using alcohol to deal with my ups and downs, and it became worse and worse as I made poor decisions in my life. Only when I stopped drinking for a period of almost a year, another attempt to get my life on track, did I start to realize that I was showing a lot of bipolar symptoms. Instead of getting help, I decided once again that I would take care of it on my own. After a few life changes and increasing stress, I started drinking again. Lately the ups and downs have been so wild... during my most recent manic episode I cleaned and re-cleaned my apartment, berating my room mate for his sloppy work, and finally, in fits of laughter organized his dresser drawers talking really fast with tears streaming down my face. He thought I was losing it and held me down. I was so angry that he did that, but I was laughing so hard I couldn't do anything about it. The episode before that I woke up feeling absolutely fantastic, laughed as I showered, and then sat down to write my will, deciding to give all my money to charity. Then I thought, why not give it all to charity right now! I leaped out of my chair and then realized, wait a second, I'm manic, this is nuts. The episode before that I stole some things (very embarrassing, I couldn't believe it a couple days later when I was down again) and rode an office chair through a parking lot. I've spent ridiculous amounts of money on antique hats and other useless things. And then there's the binge drinking... I am the life of the party when I'm high.
And then I crash. The last crash of almost three weeks I just recovered from a couple of days ago. I had very restless sleep, sometimes thirteen hours a day, and always exhausted, crying all the time, making lots of mistakes at work that cost my employer money. I finally decided to get help after an episode of auditory hallucination just over a week ago that lasted for an hour or so. It was frightening and I thought I was going crazy.
That's when my other trouble began. I saw a counselor who gave me the number of a crisis clinic. The crisis clinic said I needed a doctor to give me a referral to a psychiatrist. My doctor was on holidays, so his secretary gave me an appointment with another doctor. When I went to that appointment, he refused to give me a referral saying I would have to get one from my doctor, but I couldn't get an appointment with him for almost a month, and I needed help NOW! He suggested AA. I left his office in tears and cried for two hours. That night after blundering my way through work, I went out drinking again and after mixing with sleeping pills (STUPID!!!!) ended up in the hospital. The crisis nurse there finally gave me what sounded like some straight answers. He gave me the number of an addictions counseling place to deal with the alcohol, and told me that I can't get an appointment with a psychiatrist until I've been sober for six months, and after that the psychiatrist will have to see me through all phases of bipolar in order to diagnose me and then medicate me.
I had no idea this process would take so long, and am feeling rather hopeless at this point, wondering what the next six months to a year of my life is going to be like, always afraid of what's coming next, and not able to get medication to help.
Is what that nurse said true? Will it really take so long for me to get some meds? I'm feeling pretty disappointed in my self for starting to drink again, I feel like I should have got help six months ago, that I did this to my self. I'm afraid to have a relationship because bipolar inevitably screws things up for me. Sometimes I'm really hard to be around, hard to deal with, and I don't want to be this way. I constantly have to keep my self in check, remember that it's a disease, I'm not crazy, and recognize mania to try to keep from doing stupid things. It's hard for people to understand that I'm really normal behind all the high wackiness and the low bleakness. I can't believe I have to wait six months before I can even talk to a psychiatrist about this. Is there nothing I can do? I just want to have a good life and be happy!