So I went on a triggering rampage here a few days ago, and just had a huge self-harming episode an hour ago. The one good thing about it is it made me cry - long, hard, and uncontrollably for the first time in months. It feels so amazing even though it hurts so much.

I've been ruminating almost constantly about the unreality of my so-called issues. Even my mom, who witnessed and was slightly involved in my episode just now, calls it all "drama queen nonsense". I made a bunc of deleted posts about it. It's so common, I hear about it constantly - "Some people have real problems, so stop being a whiny little b!tch." Real problems. For years I've thought if I had those, I wouldn't have to feel so guilty about not having them. It sounds dumb. But it rips me apart, all that guilt, knowing that because I have no "real problems", I have no right to feel anything except happiness - which I'm not sure I've ever really experienced. I have no right to feel empty or in pain because I didn't spend my childhood fearing for my life. I have no right to be sad because I've never been abused.

It kills me, this guilt. This guilt that I'm a living insult by being so miserable with my perfect life, yet I can't make myself stop. Or maybe I don't want to. Or maybe I'm just too weak, which is another whole avalanche of moral guilt.

What makes the whole thought so unbearably painful is...there's nothing else to me. If I stopped being depressed, stopped indulging my first world problems, stopped being a whiny little baby and developed the emotional state I'm supposed to have as an adult with a perfect life - all I can imagine is a kind of living death. It's incomprehensible, the sheer emptiness of it. Is that what being a normal person is like, just totally empty and blank, all the time? There's nothing else in my life. I don't care about anything. I can't relate or connect to people at all. I'm fairly sure I'm incapable of feeling love even for my family. I'm afraid of too many things. I'm bad because of all of this and feel like no punishment is enough not the least because there's no escape.

I shouldn't even be posting here, for multiple reasons, but I needed to get this out somewhere.