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Originally Posted by fairydustgirl
From what I know, from experience as well, there are many ex wives who are friends with or take care of ex husbands, especially if they are ill. My aunt took care of her exhusband when he had cancer and was dying. In my own case, it has taken some time, but I am still friends with my ex husband. We don't hang out together but we have both agreed that we are there for one another if we ever need it. He came with me to look at a house I want to buy, I was there for him for a previous surgery and will do so again soon as he is having another surgery. We have kids and a grandson together so we are always going to be in each other's lives in some way or another. We also had 30 years between us before we divorced. I can't pretend we never got married or that he never existed and I don't want to do that.
I think that especially at your age, having that support is very important, both for you and for him, the fact your current husband is agreeable helps too. Your daughter, I'm guessing remembers the man your ex H used to be and is proje acting her own fears/hurt about her relationship with him on you. As an adult, she needs to understand that what you do is your business, you are not a child and you know what you are doing. You know him better than she does, in a different way than she does. It's a boundary between parent and child that needs to be made, even though I'm guessing she is in her 50s. My mother had a friendship with another man during her 60s, I understood what my parent's marriage was like, and as my mom was a cancer survivor...I figured life is way too short to be lived without being loved. Her friend was a part of our lives until he passed away.
My own parents are in their 70s, live in a companionate way, in separate bedrooms...for other reasons but they are like brother and sister. They do things together and take care of one another. It works for them. Your relationship with your exH and current H works for you. Your daughter needs to look after herself.
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You are very aware and understanding. As you stated your mother had a friendship with another man in her 60s and you, as her daughter, understood your mother's marital situation. It is a wonderful thing that your mother was a cancer survivor and didn't succumb to the illness as my current husband's ex-wife did. She died of cancer at the age of 49. You also state your parents are in their 70s and sleep in separate rooms. I chuckled reading this because my current husband and I sleep in separate rooms as well. As I stated in my original post, I have many health issues and sleeping separately works fine for us. It is definitely a companionate relationship.
Yes, you guessed right. My daughter is in her fifties. She is 52, and I may have to gently remind her that she needs to stop interfering with my life. My God, whatever could I do wrong by having feelings of affinity and compassion for my ex-husband. He has actually become my best friend. I have helped him with so many things that make his life a little easier. And he helps me as well. Just a few days ago he fixed my computer. He's good at that kind of thing. My current husband gave my ex some money because he (my ex) had a bedbug problem a few months ago. Thanks to my caring current husband, we have kind of adopted my ex as a brother. I might add too that my ex is ten years younger than I, not that it matters, but perhaps we ought not to have gotten married in the first place as he's always treated me more like an older sister than a wife.
Funny thing is, I lost my little brother, who lived in Germany, to alcoholism. He was also ten years younger than I. I feel when we are kind to people, even if they are our ex-spouses, we are doing the right thing. How can love and compassion ever be wrong?
Thank you again for your insightful response to my post. I appreciate it so much.