Its exactly 1:05am, and I can't sleep. All I can think of at the moment is how much I hurt people, and recently the object was this man I really, really, really like.
I want so much to make it up to him but I don't know how. I'm in torment. This is the first time, literally, I've shed tears on how I've badly treated a man. Its always been the other way around.
Im aware he's not perfect, he has cobwebs in his life Im sure of his own making, yet he's the most complete man I've ever known.
I'm afraid to call him, as a matter of fact he left a message regarding why is it I don't answer the phone when he calls, and if I don't answer him, then dont call! He's reacting that's all. Just reacting.
What if I call, and he doesn't answer because of what I did? I have no one to blame but myself.
I really have to get myself together.
My therapist wants me to be careful because of my history of being hurt by men, so her concern is quite understandable. Yet Im hurt now, but little does she know that my pain is coming from hurting him. It's my first time experiencing something like this and it's completely unbearable.