So. the guy I have been seeing, M...the last two weeks have been very confusing in some ways. he's been distant for the most part but then on one day is very enthusiastic and wants to see me. and of course when I did, he keeps opening up to me about his life, family, etc. (the time before and this) which he had not done before. but this entire week he has been distant again. the clincher though. the physical part has always been a bit aggressive, nothing particularly painful but has put me in a passive role which I had not been before. anyway,after this last time we were together, and it took me a couple of days to reflect, I feel like he was taking out his frustrations of life on me while in bed with me. and that is not ok. he caused me pain which he had not done before. I mean he stopped when I told him to, so it wasn't like that...it just was more like, pent up energy/aggression.

well, I have been with someone else a few times recently, who was up front about his interest in just having fun, not looking for a relationship. I'm ok with that because M has me too freaked to think about that. so anyway, I see the difference in being with this other guy who, despite us not being 'together' is affectionate, very kissy and touchy/feely. it shows me what I am missing from M. to be honest, and I felt like this from the beginning...I felt like M learned about being physical by watching porn. so the things he does are rather detached the way porn usually is. that's the best way to describe it because it follows that routine in a way. he's good at it, but still...the emotional part is missing.

So what I need to figure out is, why I even let things get that far with M, what is it in me that thought that being that passive in bed was ok since I had not been before. at least in the beginning, I know why, because I had been married to a man who had prem. ejac. for many years and that part of my life had been lacking, as well as, any friendliness during that activity with my X...and M was like the energizer bunny, I hadn't even realized a man his age could be like that. (he's 42) so I was getting what I had been missing for so long, he and I both felt like teenagers again and it was fun. but the more I saw him, the more I realized how he was not affectionate at all...barely kissed, hardly touched and for a while wouldn't let me touch him...he has been more open with that in the last month or so. it was feeling like things were getting better...and just like the last time I thought we were getting closer and he suddenly pushed me away...I feel like that is about to happen again.

I just need to figure out why I thought it was ok to be with yet another man who was not really friendly, who didn't connect with me in the emotional area. because we had stopped seeing each other twice before...so when we got back together I thought, well maybe there is something there between us.
I was wrong. and I am through going up and down emotionally about it, because I know I cared about him even when he didn't care about me. it has had me very unbalanced, I see it and I know what I have to do. but man is it hard to do.

and what brings that to bear? a friend of mine lives in the town where he is and I am going to go see her as she has some major medical issues that have popped up. so, I told him I was coming up and asked if he'd like to meet me for a soda at mcdonalds just to say hi, like a half hour visit, because I still have to drive home. and he can't spare a half hour to visit with me, despite me driving 2 and a half hours just to get to that town. no one is THAT busy that if the person they see so rarely, who they care about at all, is actually in town that they wouldn't make that little bit of effort.

I'm rambling a bit I know, it's after 3am here where I am. I needed to get some of this out. I'm too old and life is too short to be mistreated by someone like this. I deserve better and I am going to hold out for better. I am through catering to M, letting him call all the shots and then not even treating me that well. I"m not saying this other guy is so much better, but at least he is willing to come see me, he is affectionate with me, he makes an effort. I have let M off the hook for too long, he's not had to do any work at all for this 'friendship'. I travel to see him, we split the cost of a hotel when I come up after I make the initial reservation, we don't go to dinner, or do anything but stay in the room for hours. All he does is show up, have fun, kiss me bye and goes his merry way until the next time which could be two weeks or more. I have to make more effort to care about myself, love myself and say no to this 'thing' I have been involved in for way too long. I feel stupid and embarassed and have done things with him that I have never done with anyone before, which embarasses me even more. I've been an idiot. well...love starved, sex starved, and I guess rather desperate.

not anymore. I'm done. time to take stock of what makes me desireable. and it's obvious because even if I am in my early 50s, I am attracting guys as young as 39. I'm cute, I'm smart, I'm capable, I'm independent, I have a quirky sense of humor, I'm sexy, and honestly...I don't need a man. If I did, I could have stayed married. I like not having to answer to anyone and being able to be spontaneous if I feel like it. sleeping late if I feel like it and eating ice cream for dinner if I feel like it. it's just nice to have someone show me affection and a good time once in a while. that can't be too bad?

thanks for listening.