OK, and then the problem for me was that I lacked the ability to "choose" a friend -- my unconscious "twinship" function with my last therapist and others of them -- went sour because they couldn't accept my cut-off, overcontrolled, rage when they failed me as "idealization" self-objects. (An attempt to use Kohut's language, maybe it's close enough to communicate somewhat.)

There's attachment, then idealization, then twinship -- all unconscious. I have used my understanding of Kohut's ideas to try to explain to my T how we were different in a way that, as I put it one day, "I don't want to be like you!" And when I thought about how that was, using Kohut's framework -- she had the twinship pole of her self established OK, but probably not the grandiose. And I had the grandiose established in my father (my mother had previously failed me as a self-object) but he failed me in twinship -- he liked me only to the extent that I strenghtend his own ego/self. I have a clear traumatic memory of the occasion when that happened.. So then I was "narcissistically injured" and had to defend against the rage of that with overcontrol in order to be socially accepted.

Right now I'm still (feeling) injured -- shamed, simmering rage, etc. -- so very few want to associate or "twin" with me. So then nobody picks up on anything I say as having any value (for them). They are "shielded" against me. Nothing personal. . .but that stuff just turns you offf. But there's Bud here and somebody else in another forum maybe -- these are maybe the beginnings, maybe, of my self's unconscious ability to select who I can be friends with and who I can't. That ability is something everybody needs in order to be a functional adult -- not too shy, not too grandiose. Somewhere in between.

OK, not joking but it might be useful to mention in this forum and context -- My grandiosity feels hurt by being passed over, ignored. "There's gold in my hills, too." Although my OCPD is not nearly so apparent these days. Or maybe all the covering has finally rubbed off and it's just too glittery? Hard, not life-producing like the dirt on the hills where plants and animals can grow. From the cold-blooded, reptilian part of the psyche but part of what's needed for people to work together in society. Not a lot of fun to be around, that's for sure!!

I'm working on developing an authentic "skin" or sense of self founded in this "self" which is now feeling accepted by these "others", since my therapist can't accept me. A covering that is pleasant enough for other people to be around. What's the point at my age? Just because it's there. Reptilian, survival functions still chugging along.