I want to kill myself or at least be put in a situation in which I will die. I have been like this for several years. Even when my cancer got real bad. While I kept fighting, I didn't do it for me. I did it because there was no way in hell I was going to put my fiance through that. Isn't going to happen. Only way I'm dying is if I can't help it. Unfortunately, that's where it is also confusing. I genuinely want to give up so bad. Whether or not I feel my depression is at its worst, I still fantasize about my death. It's constant. I can even feel happy and still think about dying. It never leaves my brain.
The only reason I fight is for my fiance. He's not ready for me to leave and I love him too much to allow him to endure any pain similar to my own. The day I no longer believe that will surely be the day I finally follow through with my fantasies.