thanks

ill have to listen to the youtube later tonight when data is unrestricted since my internet sucks and im on throttled speeds, but music is huge to me as im supposed to be sort of a musician

i like to isolate as well, im not sure why... because i dont like to isolate as well..
maybe it gives me some time to unwind and let stuff settle.. i haven't been able to isolate for some weeks now i think? so much happening and going on... cramming so much to try to make dr appointments and handle so many things... being surrounded by people as well.. which isn't a bad thing, to be around others, but it causes me to be weird..

im just struggling i guess because everything is confusing, having a blank memory.. holes.. no time... days/weeks/ months/ years dissolving into the void.. and realizing these things over and over because the memory doesnt want to or something..
like not remembering writing the things i write here, not remembering what i said to someone 5 seconds ago face to face, not remembering what im supposed to do, not remembering - blah .. big part of me thinks that im just dieing and even though some part wants to die i really would like to be happy before that happens

its confusing because i dont know who i am, what i am even.. because here i go, smiling, joking, laughing, talking to others in a world where nothing is wrong and i am strong.. but walking along myside in great despair... not even glancing at each other but knowing its there and scared and uncertain of what to do to make anything better - scared to do anything because i dont want to make it worse by causing problems outside life or inside me..

multi layered is a nice enough way to put it, to feel this layer but having a tectonic plates underneath rubbing against it causing earth quakes and disruptions in what should be smooth sailing...

i can feel it, i can feel many things... but i am not sure how to put it into words because it makes me feel so dizzy and disorientated that my words elude me... to describe happiness and sadness with a single sentence?
to smile and frown crying with tears of joy and despair concurrently... looking inward with a confused boys face trying to understand, what is happening?

i have always been alone, but never alone... always lonely... totally surrounded...

i have never had a real friend... never had a real relationship... even the relationship with my family, brothers and sisters, parents, uncles and aunts, is not real...
but it must be real on some level, as real as i can make it... but its not..

i just have this deep longing to be understood, to understand, and to be happy.. at ease.. to rest finally... and stop fighting..
a longing to have someone hold my arm and walk with me through the scary forest of uncertainty, because i dont want to be alone anymore and want to feel loved... to feel trust... to feel needed... to feel - simply feel

but im not so sure it really is possible to have such a deep relationship with someone..
im a good guy, nice, kind, caring, and sweet and everything... everyone tells me that im not ugly, that i am actually good looking... but i cant believe anyone outside of me as i cant even believe the inside of me - know what i mean..?

i feel like a monster, an ugly reject ... but i have always tried to make up for it by being an intellectual... but maybe thats what makes me feel like a monster the intellectualized idealization of my inner creations of survival... what a way to live

in the void, am i even real? or any of this?