I have recently read the book "The Brain That Changes Itself" by Norman Doidge and got excited by the idea that maybe, just maybe it might help me to solve my issues so I could finally achieve what I want most.

Unfortunately I live in a small Eastern Europe country and there are not so many good psychotherapists, and I doubt that there are any which are applying neuroplasticity approach and can suggest specific exercises to rewire the brain. I guess, my chance of being selected for a scientific research (similar to the patients described in the book) are close to 0.

I have already told my story here some time ago and received some feedback with links to some useful books. I have already tried some psychotherapy, I have read books about neurosis etc. It helped to get some insights but still I have no idea how to actually fix things. The brain needs some specific exercising to develop new paths and to let go of the old ones. I haven't yet found a book or a person who could suggest something specific to try doing.

I'll try to explain my problem as concisely as I can, but I might fail to make it short, so excuse me.

I’m 36 old man and I haven’t had sex yet. I feel some sexual arousal when thinking about intelligence, authority and - what’s weird - when watching movies about body exchange and aliens invading human body, but my sexual drive completely vanishes when I’m actually together with some person.

This weird sexual drive seems to originate from my inner conflict caused by emotionally complicated childhood - emotionally distant, but caring and authoritative mother and weak father with strong tendency to alcoholism, and also my own health issues added to my suffering.

As the result, I developed torn feeling inside. I don’t feel myself as a strong and mature man. This situation is also strengthened by my health issues which caused me to be somewhat physically undeveloped, so in my 36 I look like a 17 year old teenager.

So, all of this makes my inner child really pronounced, and this child is looking for protection. My inner child thinks that older man, intelligent, somewhat authoritative, strong (less physically but more emotionally strong), and caring, could protect me. Think about wise, energetic professor with a beard or Gandalf from "Lord Of the Rings" (BTW, amusing fact - I recently found out that Ian Murray McKellen who played Gandalf, is actually homosexual...). But for unknown reason, this seeking for protection at one point turns into a sexual drive. It's a negative kind of sexual drive because in my fantasies and dreams I feel jealous and wanting to become this man instead of loving him. In my dreams I'm hunting for these kind of men to have a short moment of sexual excitement but then immediately trying to fuse inside them and become them, only to discover that nothing has changed and I still feel like the same lost child instead of becoming that man. This hunting makes me feel like a vampire invading other people, so I feel ashamed. I highly doubt that such kind of sexual drive would help me to establish successful long lasting and calm relations which I really want.

If I’m asked whether I’d like to live with a woman or a man, I’d say - I definitely would like to have a family with a woman and children because I have that strong drive to become intelligent, strong, caring husband and father and to love a nice, maybe somewhat shy girl, to give her shelter, protection.

I always have been able to find a common language with calm and intelligent woman who are interested in philosophy, psychology and technologies. Although I can be romantic, unfortunately I have no sexual reaction to women. Actually, I have met two girls who showed some interest and tried to flirt with me, and one even kissed me. My heart was broken because I felt no sexual reaction. I had to withdraw and start avoiding them because I couldn't tell the truth. You don't say on your first date: "Hey, I like you and I would be ready to fall in love and marry you but I don't feel any sexual attraction." But to pretend that it's ok and try to go on would be wrong - I don't want to break someone else's heart.

I have seen a few real men thinking of whom made me close to erection, but they were the kind of men which I couldn't actually live together - they were not gay, we were two different and also my sexual drive was about consuming not loving.

That weak, childish gay who’s looking for a strong man to be protected (and also to have sex), is messing everything up and I don't know how to fix it.

I could live with being straight or bisexual or homosexual or even asexual, but being torn into two personalities is exhausting. I'd really like to change that, if it's possible at all at my age. The book I mentioned suggests that it is possible with correctly planned exercising to induce desired associations and to break the undesired ones. But where should I seek help to create such a plan fine-tuned for me?