Thanks you, that's a kind message.

If you add in developmental trauma and/or attachment trauma and abandonment issues, the whole thing gets even more messy! I'm assuming developmental trauma and attachment ones are the same btw! Are abandonment issues and atachment issues the same thing?!

I was told my brain recieved a biological trauma which caused ssues in the temporal lobe making it hypersensitive (by a dr) which I assume was exacerbated by some unresolved 'trauma' stuff that my therapists put my current issues down to. I genuinely don't feel I have trauma issues...trying to figure out if I accept this 'unresolved trauma' and 'little t trauma' stuff that my therapists talk about. I can accept my brain was traumatised physically but not any external issues as I have had a fortunate and good life except from the enduring mental health issues!

It sounds like ego states and anp-ep are the same from what you described just a different theory?

So, I'm similar but not to what you experience as when I'm in some states of mind I am hugely clear on what I think and feel and I'm wonderful at articulating this....then at others I feel confused because I feel an alien takes over. It's always felt like an alien but with 5 odd years of therapy I also have this extra glimmer of light to know that might not be my reality in the now. Honestly, this is personally where the all tension comes in now. I hated before that I hurt myself etc and acted badly (ish - as I've always been restrained outwards kinda) but it also felt 'okay' because it was true and the only option etc.., whereas now, I can see I may be 'overreacting' and I really don't want to, but I have to, but I try not to because I want more from my life that this continual cycle. I feel trapped. I've always felt trapped but this is like I'm fighting to do life differently and failing.

And trust me, I understand. I've had a few (hundred) labels thrown at me in my time! I don't care anymore what it is, just if it makes sense to me! I've been told in the past that I may have aspergers which is ridiculous if you knew how I was day to day...but I guess that's how matter of fact I can be at times. I think that's why another therapist called me apparently competent! It especially bad if I don't trust the person. I present functional 'good' me till I get a sense of if they'll use stuff against me. They say that's trust issues because I try to control what's said, written, done but only as I know it'll effect my life and I want help not a doctor record that hinders! And on top of that, i tend to think linearly and deeply most of the time (which makes life both easy and awkward!).

So I don't care about labels. But I want my life! I feel I know the bits of me very well. I can identify and explain them easily but my issue is controlling them! I want them to not take the driving seat because I have stuff to do in my life and I spend all my time not being able to make commitments just in case... It isn't a life, I miss out on an awful lot. It's making me down. I'm tired already...

I really want tips to stop the overwhelm. I cannot self soothe, it isn't in my repertoire as it just makes the yelling louder. Most of the everything in me are afraid of self soothing or hate being "shut up". Either or! But my therapist love the idea of self soothing. I can self soothe but I can't do it all the time.

Please if anyone has tips, advice for how to strike a balanfe, help me. I'll do therapy for the long term but I need support short term - day by day, week by week.

I also wondered, sometimes I have issues with grounding skills - mainly because I don't want to be in my body as it doesn't make sense to me. I feel trapped by it. I will admit some grounding can help the spiral but I'm resistant to even trying it at times because it's scary. I've no idea why it's scary...especially as it can help...but I'm not sure how to tell anyone this because I just feel I'm rejecting all help.

Please please help me.