thanks very much

i have difficulty standing my ground for the most part... i learned that unpleasant things can sometimes end faster if you just let the car run over you rather than trying to run from it and prolonging an inevitable hit and run ... if that makes sense..
so no one ever see's me react in certain ways, for the most part, unless im really triggered into such a reaction... the kind of reaction that is like "thats it, im putting my foot down and YOU ALL are going to hear it!" most of the time i will just try to let it roll off of me and change the subject or just walk away / get away from those things that would require me to stand up...

im extremely polite... constantly.. its something else i was taught, if im not submissive and polite - so much so that it hurts me greatly - then i am doing bad, wrong, and its my weight to carry to take burden and pain from others at the expense of being polite and friendly...

i guess i feel that i have been through so much that whats a little more going to hurt just to save the mood and keep a problem from escalating and making enemies... or going to jail you know?
because during the times i get triggered and part of me stands out, very very mean and straight forward with much nasty direct words that cut through peoples since no one is used to me having reactions like that - i always am left feeling embarrassed and hurting / depressed about it for days/weeks after such a thing happens.. which it doesnt happen often at all because i dont allow it.. but i try to balance it as much as possible, im just not good with dealin with those strong emotions

i enjoy making everyone happy, its kind of what i do most i guess... people pleaser, make everything easier on myself by keeping everyone around me happy or something, i dunno

every now and then i have these strong "knowing" feelings... like the intuitive side awakens and is trying to give a message like "Go in this direction, this is where you want to go" and i try to listen but i have hurt myself alot from things like that because i dont know how to handle situations well...

with this person its almost like feeling like a part of me, but im guessing its just some form of transference... or maybe it is my twin flame beckoning for my attention, calling out to save it (white knight syndrome..?)
or maybe its just because im so lonely and really want to share what life i have left with someone special so bad that im just idealizing or projecting stuff onto this person..
either way it would seem to me that if nothing else we could be cool friends but i suck even at friendships because of my attachment issues or whatever..

i hope that no one was offended by me saying anything.. im not stalking her really.. she's just on my mind i guess... i dont google her or visit her facebook or pages or anything.. not spamming her or trying to hack her accounts or anything... i guess i just feel strange because i cant seem to get her out of my head even though it would seem she doesnt really want a friendship or anything... kinda sucks because i could really use a friend here where i live
but i told myself that it wouldn't amount to anything trying to talk to her so dunno why its bothering me.. i guess im just lonely

if i knew what to say to her then maybe she would be interested, but as i stand now im just kind of depressed about the whole thing.. ?


it'll all be ok though i suppose, im not supposed to day dream about those kind of things anyway - i got distracted for a few hours so i kind of lost what i was saying so im just gonna stop typing

"if its meant to be, its meant to be" perhaps

gotta get more confidence somehow
gotta stop beating myself up