Yes - its like that - I am working on trying to reach out because i am struggling - Its hard to have it happen again - I always think i have a handle on who i am but then it hits in a new way - with a new low - something i havent had happen before - and I think the world is going to end

But it doesnt - and as someone reminded me today- DEPRESSION LIES - wow - why cant i keep that close in my mind ???

I figure there are people here that have weathered similar or worse stuff - that we have all learned lessons -

the fact is - that my own inner climate changes so quickly and when it does, it DEMANDS my attention - everything being pushed on me through therapy, is about CBT - yeah, thats great - but that kind of hinges on KNOWING what the F IS GOING ON in the first place - and when i think - and i think A LOT - i dont think - "oh i should really understand if this is helping or not" - NO - I think the worst most awful crap until it just about kills me and then i finally come to figure - maybe this is not right... maybe something i believe isnt right -

Sometimes i lose that moment completely, it totally leaves and doesnt return. The day or thought changes and then there is something new to take its place. I might almost be able to handle that except there is usually some very smart person who just loves to point out stuff - gotta love them right?

Ok thats enough whining

I know there is some good to share too - I am pretty amazing for making it this far in life - for keeping my sobriety through all the horrible crap that i can think at any one moment - for not tearing apart my family ( or most of it anyway ) - for continuing to try every day

I would very much like to get it more right than wrong for the rest of the time i have here -

It was a member from this group's signature that i cant completely remember - but it made a difference to me tonight - the members' name was Yoda - It said that the purpose of life is not to be happy - but to live in a way where we can make a difference -

So thanks for the support -even though you havent met me - but you showed up to tell your stuff - cause it does help -

thanks for listening
R