You've written quite a lot, a few things stood out.
Attachment issues, no one has said anything but I'm just as messed up as anyone else here, I don't know about normal folks but I guess I need to work on it. The position I take, in life, going against the grains or I don't know, what I do know is that I'm unlearning and trying to do my best, and in that process of this soul search or whatever the things I'm doing, there's this side in me that I want to hurt, I'm evil and I want to hurt myself to discover myself, and I worry try not to hurt anyone in the process, but anyways, the whole anxiety and fears that our society pretends to understand and cure for us, I don't believe any of it now, I'm too resentful perhaps, I am fed up, iykwim.
Sometimes I feel that I got nothing to say to you or to other conscious minds, especially talking with you like this, you get hurt, mad, and depressed, I just say sure, that's all understandable.
There's another thing in your post, that's an intuition, a gut feeling I'm guessing. I got hit and ran over 'cuz I was running away most of my life, damn. I'm sorry, no wisdom coming from this guy.
Sorry to hear that the reality appears to be what you were saying with her, I never know what others are thinking, I just picture great things for you in your life. If I have to say something about me and having a crush on someone, now I understand it as my mind was playing a trick on me, in medical communities, they call it being hypomanic, and I find that condescending at best, there's not a single thing that any "professionals" can understand about me, and I'm gonna hafta stop right here, I'm impolite inside, sarcasm ain't that effective, that's not what I wanna be, I dream to be nuclear, to be a bomb, now that's lame. Fusion and fission, you're the expert on that sort of things.
The metaphor, something I think we both understand. I didn't launch anything when I was young, my parents of course tried to make me smart by pushing me for education, something they themselves didn't understand. I hate 'em. But, as long as I can stay away, they will die eventually.
So yeah, I consider myself that I'm expired in the area of breaking and entering, that stealing criminal activity that you've been trying to be good at, I say go for it. Keep believing and keep pluggin' away, I'm just huge fan of guts and balls.
Nice talking with ya, you had an excellent analysis of what's been going on with your life. Taking the confidence back, or giving it a rebirth, it seems to me, that's not quite up to me if this is gonna keep me alive, I just wanna be prepared for anything, life's an ad-lib, freestyling.
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i guess i feel that i have been through so much that whats a little more going to hurt just to save the mood and keep a problem from escalating and making enemies... or going to jail you know?
because during the times i get triggered and part of me stands out, very very mean and straight forward with much nasty direct words that cut through peoples since no one is used to me having reactions like that - i always am left feeling embarrassed and hurting / depressed about it for days/weeks after such a thing happens.. which it doesnt happen often at all because i dont allow it.. but i try to balance it as much as possible, im just not good with dealin with those strong emotions
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I think I know what you mean, now, we both being adjusting, coming/going the way we're headed, there are signs that we can read, this depends, right? I need to know how dumb I can get sometimes, there are so many traffics out there, umm,,,I don't go out much but I still can imagine myself wanting to go into traffic, not so long ago, I wasn't looking and I wanted to cross this busy road, it wasn't safe. You try to stay safe though.