That is serious, Pink. I am not a doctor, so I have zero idea if you are considered delusional or psychotic, but this is some not normal thinking. First, the level of SH you do is extremely serious and goes beyond what I think most people think of SH. (I could be wrong)

Also...I think where you go wrong in your thinking is that if you do the ultimate terrible version of SH that you can think of, that it will be enough. Guess what? I t won't! SH is an addiction, and yours is got to be as close to rock bottom or death as it can be. That is scary, and probably a bit delusional--same with any addict who is that severe.