Angela, I don't know how we grow to understand that someone is gone from us, that the gone is final. But gradually I guess we do, it is horrid and we fight it all the way, no it can't be true! I know, I really know. Jon was such a fixture in your life. The pain is best directed away from your body, that I do know. Take it to a scream or a punch on the pillows or a work out, try not to let it turn into your self. We can see the pain, we don't need to see physical scars from it. We can know the debth of loss and be here with you. Is there anything that your friends believed in that you could contribute to so you can feel a sacrement and a connection? It has been helpful to me to tell folks here about my Jane because I feel like I am sharing her and in turn these online friends are sharing in the loss as it moves and changes. I really do not recall your telling us about Jon, or vern. Tell us please who they were, how you met, what did you do together? Let us feel who these people are. Peace Angela