Mary Alice,
It's daytime here and I got online and read your post a couple hours ago. I had to think a bit before I could post. There is nothing for me to say to make things seem better or to make them go away but I would give anything to have that kind of power.
I feel so badly for you right now. I know you are struggling and wanting so much to give up. There are reasons why you haven't given up before and why you haven't given up yet. Please try and remember those reasons. Find anything you can. We really care for you here and don't want to lose you.
Again I have to say that your marriage to that sad excuse for a man is so draining on you. It's hard to live in a situation when you have the ultimate cruelty and abuse hovering over you every day. Please, please get yourself and your son to that crisis center and get away from that jerk. He makes you feel worthless but that is only because he himself knows he is. He doesn't know how to treat a human being. As much as you say you are used to his behavior you know that he is a major influence on you and how you feel. Only remember, he is wrong!!
Two years ago when I first moved to Norway to be with my then new husband my whole world fell apart. He freaked out about being married. This wonderful man I left everything I loved and knew to be with treated me cruely, disrepectfully. He ignored me completely. Left me alone in a strange country where I didn't know the language and had no friends or family. At first I was confused but as time went on I started to give up. I couldn't take anymore. No more crushing blows with his words, no more being alone and scared, no more hurt and no more tears. I was physically ill from what he did and mentally...well I was barely hanging on. The point of telling you this is I understand the pain you feel. The lonliness, the loss of self worth. Being scared. God I remember being scared. Being so tired you can't even find the strength anymore. I had a choice. I thought about suicide all the time. I didn't really concider any other way out. There was no way. I had a choice to live this life or to try to go back to the states somehow, a broken person and try without anything to start over. I asked someone to by me a ticket so I could visit and have a break. I had no where else to go here but into the bedroom. I went home for 2 weeks. I cried when I left. There was one person who could help me but I was told I had to go back. So I came back. I got mad. Really mad. I told him how he made me feel. HE didn't get it. I had surgery on my foot and was stuck home for 2 months. I couldn't get outside for the first 3 weeks.
I had met a girl two years before that. She seemed nice. She knew I had surgery and stopped by to have a cig with me. She saved my life. I didn't want to let her in but she kept coming. It turned out she needed a friend too. In the last year my life has changed. I am still struggling but I am not suicidal. Of course I still think about it but it isn't an option for me.
Life can change. I didn't have the option to remove myself from my abusive marriage, no one told me about crisis centers and things I could do here. You have a choice. Please get to that center and get help. It can be better. You have to do something to make it better. You have a choice, Mary Alice. It is your life. You are also responsible to your son. I am so glad you thought of him before doing anything. Show your son that he can fight. He can get thru anything. Show him that life can be different. It's up to you. One step today. Get yourself help.
I am begging you. You are so important and so worth it.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley