thanks you all, i dont know where i would be at if it wasn't for psychcentral...

just want to add a TRIGGER warning just incase anything i said is triggering to some..


i think i first joined because i was trying to learn about bipolar and trying to relate my experience to other members that actually have bipolar... because the old pdoc dx me with bipolar I...
i never agreed with it and always felt like it was wrong... i would try to talk to others in the bipolar section and i just never felt like i belonged, couldnt relate with them, and just made me feel more messed up because i was like how can i get better if i cant even recognize my own bipolar symptoms..?

a few years into treatment and the doctor and my case manager drilling to me that i indeed was bipolar and that i was just manic (manic for 3 years? on moodstabilizers, antidepressants, antipsychotics, anxiolytics, and even some others like proponalol.. cmon...)
they convinced me to go into the hospital where i was for 9 days and they just made it worse... even though the staff was nice to me and most of the other people there were nice, just 1 guy came in having a bad psychotic moment i guess and reminded me exactly and very much of my psychopathic psychotic half brother that tried to kill us for our entire lifes.. my whole famile.. so it totally freaked me out and just wasnt cool...

they werent trying to drill a dx on me in the hospital but they just kept increasing meds and even though i broke down crying when they finally interviewed me telling them stuff they just told me "you just need to move out from your dads, get a job, get a car and a license, a place of your own" ect ect, pretty much blatantly telling me that i just needed to get a life like i am just choosing to be like this...
i guess because the doc told them all that i was bipolar and could stabilize and be fine if i just took meds...
which i had been on many meds for a couple years and kept telling the pdoc that they werent helping and things were not getting better, anxiety still bad, depression bad, substance use was down (and still is) but the pdoc just kept saying things like "you are doing fine, the meds are helping" and not listening to anything i had to say... they would keep telling me stupid things like "stop playing doctor" when all i was doing was trying to read up on stuff because they wouldnt listen to what i was trying to say so i would go in and TRY my best to explain and they just didnt care... because apparently i was just manic or something according to them...
they probably didnt believe that i was taking the meds, the pdoc even put in my notes that i was non-compliant... when i DID take all those stupid meds and went through all the stupid side effects just to try to prove to him that they were not working and not helping but i would have been better off NOT taking the meds because he said i was non-compliant anyway.... traumatic experience with pdoc... traumatic experience with hospital...

i left the clinic for like 6 months and thought i could manage without medication and ended up becoming very very suicidal and depressed... but something has shifted inside me since january/end of last year that has now taking a priority charge to recover and work on treatment... its like this is all i do, its my responsibility, its my priority! i must find happiness... must figure out whats wrong and how to make it better...
but its so different from how i used to feel, but then again i dont remember how i used to feel... besides knowing that i used to have panic attacks like everyday and severe anxiety / social phobia...
now im like in a bubble or something and im just trying to work with these new people with a new pdoc and they seem to be listening to me... im not sure what im doing different as i dont remember what i told the last pdoc and everyone else at the clinic before...
cant remember the hospital stay very well besides bits and pieces.. and having a lot of trouble remembering what im telling them now, therapy is weird because i go in and i know i was there before but i just dunno what i've said or what she's told me besides a few key things... and its just weird..

this clinic im going to isn't really focused on diagnosing me since im complex i guess... they are more focused on stabilization and getting me situated in society so i can have a somewhat happy life at some point... but i would really like a diagnosis so i can finally rest since its all i can do is try to figure things out, i feel like i know whats wrong but how can i say "THATS IT!!!" when doctors and people around me have told me that i cant possibly know whats wrong and that im not a doctor and that i dont know whats happening to me and i dont know what my symptoms are or what im going through... the last pdoc messed it all up... now im trying to fix it i guess...

sometimes i think to myself "i wish it was psychosis so i could just take some of those antipsychotics i have to make it go away"
but then i think to myself " i dont want to be psychotic either... i just want to be happy..."

im rambling, sorry
i just wanted to say that i dunno whats wrong with me, i believe i am severely fragmented atleast.. but i dont want anyone thinking that im making things up or trying to pretend like i have D.I.D. because i dunno what the heck is wrong with me... im 26 years old and just trying to figure life out from a severely traumatized view point

i did want to ask something though, something i did to myself one time... ever since then it was kind of like "maybe i do have D.I.D."
i was trying to explain something to my mom... i cant remember exactly what... something about how "I" and my "BRAIN" have to try to get along because we have many contradictions about what i want to do and stuff... but when i said "WE just try to get along" i felt a shock go through my entire body like cold water being poured over me, like i got someones attention..?
im sure that can happen to anyone... but i was just wondering if anyone else has felt that before..? i talk to myself all the time but i dont really pay much attention to it or what im saying or the conversations... i guess when i consciously said those words it was like being heard for the first time or something... that probably sounds silly..

im sorry if my posts get confusing, it can be difficult to think clearly...
the psychologist back in january diagnosed me with ADHD and this new pdoc im seeing says she specializes in ADHD and she said she thinks i have it too so maybe i just have a really sucky attention span...

its just weird experiencing these things... yesterday was a bad day... and i've been stressed out majorly because i have so much on my plate trying to deal with everything... gotta keep appointments straight.. and deal with this guy being released from prison on the 3rd gonna have to say goodbye to sleep im sure

thanks for listening
wow.. another long post, sorry about that i dont realize how much i write sometimes..