I hate randomly hurting for no reason.

It always seems that when I get excited about possibilities in life, my mind (and a bit of luck) is right there to screw it up. Today I got hit with another nihilism fit, the first in months. Sudden, pervasive emptiness and remembering old online discussions about how values don't exist/aren't real, everything's going to die so why bother with anything, etc. Arguments from others that depression is the "optimist's disease" caused by being unable to accept reality as it is; or that it's caused be realizing "nihilistic truths" like 'I'm worthless' and 'nothing matters', but not being able to accept it. A lot of bull.

I also remember refutations: claims like these being feelings, ideas just as much as an exciting ideal; nihilism being a power play; the necessity for a conscious mind to form a judgement at all; or my favorite, the reminder that all thought and life is a projection, and nihlism is the glitch that results from trying to strip away that projection...with the projection.

I don't know why I'm writing this other than to make myself feel better. Because this always, ALWAYS hits when I can feel myself getting excited about life, eager to do this and that, bring about this change, chase that dream, whatever. Then this emptiness hits out of nowhere. On one hand, it makes me worry that those thoughts are correct and hope is stupid. At the same time, this all makes me want to distrust it, and the philosophy behind it. If others find satisfaction in it, good on them. I think they're wrong and kind of crazy. Or maybe I'm trickng myself. I need reason to do what matters to me. Whether it's supernatural, natural, or merely human, I cannot just do things that affect others "for myself."

Sorry for the long and off-topic post.