Angela, I understand that it feels like too much to write about your friends, lost in very different ways. I don't know if this is true for you but I used to: "be allergic" to strong emotions and do anything I could to escape them. It is still there but I am better able to feel than I used to be. I am wondering if it might be helpful to put as many words around the feelings as you can and let the tears come and remember the things that need remembering as well as honoring the memories. I don't assume that I know much, and I know my experience is not yours. That said, I have found that grieving can be less agony by sharing the person's memory with others. Grieving alone is more than difficult. Done it both ways. There is nothing wrong with crying, feeling strong feelings. Where it gets scarey is taking that into yourself and trying to change the feelings by S.I. I know, all easier said then done.