I feel like I've been posting a lot. Sorry... Just a mess lately.
My session today was terrible. I feel like I just stared at a spot on the rug for an hour and barely spoke, never looked up. T spent the session going over emails I had sent him over the week,one of which included a list of questions. He went through them one by one, slowly. The second question was if he felt concern/worry for me during the week, or if it was "out of sight out of mind". He said that he doesn't worry about me, he worries about clients who are suicidal or relapsing, and that he does a quick review of his patients before he sees them that day, and I might pop into his head if I send him an email. But that other than that, no, he does not think of me. I feel like I wasn't present after that, I just felt numb.

He knows my issues with having been abandoned as a young child by my father and brothers, and how I grew up basically feeling very unloved by my father who rarely contacted me and didn't seem to really care one way or another about me. I thought T might throw me a bone and tell me that he felt concern and that of course I pop into his head. But apparently only in a brief weekly review of who he is to see that day. I left 5 min early, and we both felt awkward because I wasn't talking, just staring and frozen and numb.

Just before I was about to leave he offered that I could come twice a week if I wanted, and I said I can't afford it (thinking that would get me out of it) but then he said "what if finances weren't an issue?" And outlined a plan whereby I pay for my copay for weekly session 1, and we keep tabs on weekly session 2, until some time down the road when I graduate and am working I can repay him, interest free. And if I don't get a job, the fee is written off, which to me seems quite generous. I want to believe he made the offer because he cares, but maybe he doesn't want to lose a client? I know his schedule isn't always packed lately.

Honestly, a month ago I would have jumped at his offer, but my attachment has gotten so weird and painful lately, and especially after today. Like, why would I want an extra session with someone who doesn't even say he's concerned about me. I desperately want him to be concerned. I know love is out of the question but is concern too much to ask for? Why can't he say he cares for me? I'm so so heartbroken. I know I have major "daddy" issues, so maybe picking a male therapist was a bad idea.

Thanks for letting me vent.